So today after lunch me and grandpa was strolling our way back to home. It was just him and I, and for some unknown reason grandpa began to talk about China and its future. Ah yes, I remember now, it all started with a Pepsi.
After lunch I was quite thirsty and I went to buy a Pepsi. A side note, while I was lining up to pay, a middle aged mother fu**er cut in the line twice, I was about to slap him dead, but I digress…After seeing I got a Pepsi, grandpa began to say something about President Nixon and his visit to China. Something about Pepsi Co. saying if only 1 Pepsi was sold to each person in China every year, that would be enough to cover the cost or something. I wasn’t really listening attentively, still thinking about that bastard who cut in the line twice…
Then the topic somehow turned to China and its future. Grandpa said he once told my dad that his hope was that all his grandchildren can develop their careers in China. “China is our country, it will always be our country. America is their country, and it will always be their country”. As I listen to him it occurred to me that my grandparent’s generation’s thinking is quite different than my parent’s or mine. Although that is to be expected, all generation have gaps, this gap is deeper than I expected.
To my grandparents, they are Chinese living in Taiwan. All their decisions of sending their kids to America and learning from westerners, are made based on the fact that China was weak and in turmoil. All the things they did was to improve their own lives and wait for China to come to a level where it was suitable to live, as it was when they were growing up. Inside my grandparent’s heart, they are always Chinese, no matter where they live.
Then came my parent’s generation. They have never seen China until recent years (and probably some still haven’t seen it). To them, Taiwan is China. Mainland China is that hell that their parents escaped. Now occupied by this evil empire, they are the surviving ones from the great war that turned China into this dark place that it is. The notion of being Chinese is vague and only something they learn but can’t feel. They say they are Chinese because the textbook tells them so. But when they see other Chinese from mainland China, a foreign feeling arises. It is still us Taiwan and you China. We are different from you.
Then came my generation. For the lucky few (including me), we have been blessed to be able to be born in America, to grow up in America, and feel that ourselves is true Americans as well. To us, being Chinese is even a more vague idea not only can we not grasp but further more do not even think about. We are Americans, and the good thing about being in America is that you can come from any culture, but when you become American, you ARE American. All the past can be safely erased and you can belong in the mainstream. Classifying us as Chinese Americans is an insult because Americans should not distinguish our differences. Chinese Americans are the same and Caucasian Americans and both are no different than African Americans. At least, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
That’s for Chinese in America. For people in Taiwan, our generation has been unfortunate enough to be caught in the ideological fight of whether we are Chinese or Taiwanese. Being Chinese suddenly is a political issue and most are afraid of being labeled. When I say I am Chinese, most look at me with confusion. Among Taiwan friends I am labeled as the “Chinese sympathizer”, “friend of communist”, or “deep blue” (translate those yourself…). They are Taiwanese, being Chinese is something that their parents or grandparents once were. The same way that we say our grandparents were once rich and wealthy. To them China is a foreign country and they are fundamentally different.
As I listen to my grandpa continue on his talk about identifying ourselves as Chinese and we should strive to make China our home once again, I wonder if he understands that at least 2 of his grandchildren do not think they are Chinese? And at least 3 of his grandchildren do not act like Chinese either? In my grandfather’s mind there is no identity issue. He is Chinese. The rest of us have to struggle what it means to be Chinese. His children and grandchildren have never lived in China before, all we hear are old stories of a strong China. His children and grandchildren grew up in Taiwan or America, and as such they identify with their childhood environment much more than this vague notion of being Chinese.
I have been fortunate enough to identify myself with Chinese. Why this is I do not know. Perhaps it is because in college my friends consists of a lot of mainland Chinese and so I do not find them any different than me. Perhaps it is because all the 武俠小說 and history stories I read when I was a kid gave me such an appreciation of Chinese culture that I never considered becoming otherwise? I look at the people who resent their own culture and say that they are not part of who they belong, and I am confused. They must really hate what they are in order to say such a thing.
And so I am proud to say, grandpa, at least 3 of your other grandchildren now will probably fulfill your dream. My two young cousins have never lived outside Asia. They will both be coming to Shanghai soon (one this September and the other next year). When I think of their childhood and how they will grow to identify themselves, I see an encouraging environment. They will come to Shanghai and grow up with other Chinese. Chinese from Shanghai, Chinese from SuZhou, Chinese from HangZhou, Chinese from America, Chinese from Europe, Chinese from all places. To them they will grow to understand what being Chinese is really about, what it means to be Chinese. No longer will they have to ponder who they are or what group they belong to. Perhaps when they grow up they will even come to view their cousin’s identity problems or decisions as foolish and incomprehensible? My, my, what a day that will be…Grandpa, looks like your dream will come true after all.
