Jonathan’s Weblog

今天去台灣新開的Apple Store。台灣是美國除外全球第三個國家擁有蘋果專賣店，僅次於日本跟英國，是一個很不錯的榮譽喔～ update: 後來這個消息被證明是錯誤的。一家台灣雜誌沒搞清楚狀況就亂寫，被 appleinsider 揭穿為假新聞！

去的感想是…真是太小了，比起我們在美國所習慣的店，真的是太迷你了。但是即便如此，仍是應有盡有。我想以後能夠以這個店拿來推廣蘋果電腦平台，讓蘋果電腦在台灣更加普及。

在
二樓有咖啡店，裡面好像可以無線上網，我們一伙人去的時候還因為新開幕，提供免費飲料，還真是不錯，哈哈。今天也是兩年半以來第一次碰到我堂妹，他剛從日
本過來，感覺上…他好像增胖不少，頗不習慣。也從這次碰面明確的感受到阿牛跟阿藍都不喜歡abc，不肯跟我堂妹說話。我自己也是不太想講英文，更何況
講的事情我並不是很有興趣。但是….唉，堂妹總是得招呼一下才行。怎麼會這樣呢….

The time has finally come for me to leave OSU.  The last year, the final year.  Waiting for 2007 to arrive, I can only imagine where I will be one year from now, this very same day, waiting for 2008 to come.  Where will I be, what will I be doing?

Coming back to Taiwan has taught me many new lessons.  How my parent’s generation is, in my opinion, completely disillusioned by the current state of the world.  How young people in Taiwan is, in my opinion, wasting their time with their endless pursuit of grad schools and studying.  Greatness comes not from your environment, but from within.  If you want to learn something, then do.  Simply placing yourself in an environment will teach you nothing if there is no action.  These things, which I have come to view as the most basic philosophy, have seen to elude most people here.  Blindly believing that if my children is with the best, he will become the best.  Worse yet, wrongly believing that not being with the best is the end of the world.  Sorry folks, the world doesn’t work that way.

We have come to a point where the clash of ideals and reality is becoming more and more visible.  Everyone wants their children to become a professor, an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer.  In the old days most people could not afford to become these professions, and hence the myth continued to propagate.  Today, at a world where money is plenty and opportunities vast, it seems more and more people pursuit false promises to guarantee “a good life”.  What exactly is a good life, I wonder?

I once read an article where the author commented that most people who are told to become lawyers, engineers, doctors, and such, are told by people who are not lawyers, engineers, and doctors.  Why?  The author asks.  Because those people can’t do it themselves, they don’t understand what it takes, what costs it entails, what sacrifices it requires.  What do they know about becoming a doctor?  What do they know about becoming an engineer?  They don’t.  Most people who agree me in joining engineers, are not engineers themselves.  They are professors, they are housewives, they are everyone except engineers.  My boss told me once, he would never wish his son to become an engineer, that he wished his son to choose a better profession.

I happen to enjoy being an engineer.  However, I am not prepared to sacrifice everything to devote myself to solely engineering.  I relate this to playing video games.  While enjoy playing video games, I do not enjoy playing it 24 hours a day, everyday, doing nothing but playing games.  There is a balance that must be achieved, and a social life that must be present.  A stable social life takes time to develop, and the time must be given aside to allow normal relations.  Simply wishing for things to fall into your lap as if you deserved it, is something that only one person in a million will experience.

These life decisions must be considered.  I do not wish to become a machine that merely follows directions that my masters command.  I am a living human, a human that is aware of my existence and the world around me.  If everything worked as well as we theorized, then Communism would’ve worked, the world would never have war, and we would live in utopia.  The fact that none of this has happened, and will never happen, means that reality reins in the practical world, and we must all engineer ourselves around this cruel fact.  Failing to understand or even realize that this reality exists, will ultimately doom our personal life, landing us in despair and unhappiness.

So what do I do from here?  The crossroads is nearing, with infinite possibilities, rife with ideals, reality, social expectation, personal expectation, my understanding of the world, others’ understanding of the world.  What should I choose, and will I be afraid to choose it when the time comes?  Does happiness come after a long road of pain, or does happiness come from not wanting to be happy at all?

Last year, with really exciting classes and challenges.  However, none of these can compare to the ultimate decision I will make when school is over and I enter into the real world, where theory and reality clash.  Technical challenges have never posed a problem for me.  Do what I am taught, I’m good at that.  But to do what I am not taught, worse yet what people can’t teach you at all, I am hesitant.

前晚抵達台灣，因為行李都沒到，延遲到12點多才離開機場。我爸帶我回陽明山，在山腳時去士林夜市吃東西，已經過了午夜了，結果士林夜市燈火通明，感覺上像是晚上8點9點的樣子。雖然這個不是新鮮事，但是居住美國多年，商店9點後全部關門，午夜安靜的跟甚麼一樣，忽然進入city that never sleeps，仍然是頗不習慣！

吃東西的時候觀察台灣的人，忽然很恐懼的發現，我有一股強烈的陌生感？！看這那些學生，他們的打扮，他們的行為舉止，甚至說話的腔調以及用語，那種陌生感，是我以往回來台灣從未這麼強烈的感受過。不知是否因為在德州與美國人共舞了6個月，其美化程度超越我的想像所造成的？那時候記得剛回到Ohio過感恩節，五個月以來第一次持續的講中文，我自己都覺得講中文講的怪怪的，腔調用詞….都不一樣了。聽我媽說怎麼我說中文像是大陸人，我也只能苦笑說…過些陣子就會變回來啦！

對於這樣的變化，說老實話，我很害怕。常聽在美國許多中國人懊悔的說，自己以後回去中國，也早已不是中國人了。在美國待越久，越難回到中國，因為自己已經跟當地的中國人不一樣了。不知是自己「進步了」，還是走的路分開了。我還能對台灣人感到親切，覺得是自己人了嗎？價值觀，習慣，甚至文化，我可能都已經脫離了台灣人的習慣。我還能變回來嗎？我想要變回來嗎？

在德州的印度籍的主管有次就把我拉近會議室，說我目前的問題叫做N+1 syndrom,是美國各種外籍人民所經歷的。何謂N+1 Syndrom?「我再多待一年就好了，明年我就回去」，每一年都這樣認為，最後卻回不去自己的國家了。印度籍的主管就說他自己現在講的英文就已經有美國腔調了，回印度的時候別人都很不習慣（我心理想，可是你的印度腔調還是超級重的，哈哈）。看著他這樣講，我不禁想，那…留美國幹嘛？我問他那他打算甚麼時候回去，主管竟然說，「等我可以回去做自己想要做的事情，可以不用聽當地主管命令，一切由自己的意願行事」。

誰何嘗不想這樣？可是為此目的而把自己置身於異鄉10幾20年，到最後自己都已經不是原來家鄉的人了，回去別人都說你是外國人，這樣值得嗎？你一開始在美國這麼辛苦的奮鬥，不就是為了以後回家能與自己「一樣」的人一顯風光？不就是為了能讓你家人驕傲？倘若這樣，10幾20年不回家，連你小孩都認為自己是美國人而非你原來來得國家。回到家，家人看你也覺得是外國人，到最後跟家人只是表面上的名義，實質上已無任何心靈上聯繫。這樣，值得嗎？

我離開台灣已是第8年，對於即將來臨的選擇，其後果必定重重的影響我的生涯。我該怎麼選擇？無論如何，怎麼樣我都是必須要放棄某些事情的，這就是我這個年代，中國人的悲哀吧？國家不強，科技落後，留在此地，就喪失了以往希望自己能夠跟最厲害的人學習的機會。但是在異鄉與外國人生活，吃他們難吃的食物，聽他們無聊的談話，遠離朋友以及家人，心中的空虛，實在是令人難耐。我是要選擇錢，機會，先進的知識，還是….心中的那份安慰？唉，為甚麼我必須做出這樣的選擇？